Positive Intention

Have you ever been cut off in traffic, in the check-out line, been yelled at, cursed, given that special finger? The impulse, of course, is to give back in kind. HOWEVER, what if you could catch yourself and ask yourself: I wonder what the positive intention of that rude behavior was for that person?

The principle of Positive Intention states that at some level every behavior is “positively intended” for that person.

Some examples: the positive intension of aggressive behavior is often protection; behind fear is usually safety; hatred may motivate a person to action; resistance to change may have the positive intention of protecting the past, to protect oneself by holding on to what is comfortable and familiar.

Even though a person’s behavior may be based on a positive intention for them, the behavior is often experienced negatively by those to whom it is directed. That is because people don’t always have enough information, make the right choices, or even know that they have better choices available to them.

It is useful to look for the positive intention of a person’s behavior before responding with words or emotion. Ask yourself, what positive purpose could this behavior possibly have for this person? What does this way of behaving get them? This allows you to focus on the possible real reason for the behavior rather than blindly responding, often in an emotional manner. They may not know how to say or do it better. Or they may not realize the impact their behavior has on you. They may also do it on purpose to get a rise out of you.

It is also important to realize that we “filter” other people’s behavior through the lens of our own “view of the world.” So, even if a person’s behavior reflects their positive intent appropriately, we may still experience it as other than what is intended. It is then time to ask ourselves what positive intension our own response serves.

Learning to look at the positive intention of people’s behavior has not been easy. I have sometimes trouble catching myself in time. I just react. Then I have to ask the difficult question of what the positive intention of my response was for me. I don’t always like the answer.